$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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