what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
