birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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