I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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