Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i already hear my dad disowning me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
