winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize