I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
