i love accidental penises.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
