6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
