Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
