i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
