I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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