I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
