Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
