How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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