All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
