Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
