"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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