Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
