He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
