Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
