Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
