just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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