I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
