I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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