You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am naked and annoyed.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
