I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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