I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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