Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
