rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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