I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize