Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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