Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
even my farts smell like vagina
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
