her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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