Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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