I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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