if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
