dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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