Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize