I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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