It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
