Got a toothbrush?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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