Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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