Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
