WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
