I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
