does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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