How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
