Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
