Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
