I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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