You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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