When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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