Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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