someone threw a dead crab at me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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