i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
