remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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