If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize