I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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