it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
