Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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