Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize