Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
