I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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