The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
