shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
