I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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