No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
