I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
